Ahoy, mateys! NJ's only Pirate Punk band pulls
up anchor!
by Deborah J. Draisin
Founded in 2004 in Newark, NJ, Brine &
Bastards is the only “pirate punk”
band this reporter has ever seen or heard
of. Brine & Bastards is “Skipper”
Shawn “Short Dong” Dillon on vocals,
“Handsome” John “Miserable”
McGuire on bass, George “The Fisherman”
Collazo and “Dead Eye” Dave Trainer
on guitar and Dan “The Navigator”
Peacock on drums. Their debut album, “Set
Sail For Sodomy,” released earlier this
year through Refugee Records, has been semi-incorporated
into the recently completed EP, “Pure
Rock Scurvy,” set to be released around
Christmastime.
This was the most raucous interview I’ve
ever conducted – the band had us (and
each other) rolling with laughter. There were
interruptions, odd segues, and dual conversations
about life, love, music (sort of,) raccoons,
peanut butter… um, just read…
By the way, normally the band would have been
in full pirate garb, but on this occasion,
everyone was dressed up in costume for the
Axis Lounge’s post-Halloween party.
I was an 80’s groupie, Dan a prisoner,
Dave a BeeGee (no clue which one,) John a
character from Reno 911, George a proctologist,
and Shawn Mr. Clean.
The band began the interview by commenting
on one another’s choice of attire…
Dave: Dan kinda looks like he’s in
a band, while we just look like crazy people.
Q: (indicating Dave) You totally grabbed him
off the street, right?
Dan: (yanking on John’s pants) Take
the pants off (John had originally worn shorts
onstage) Take the pants off!
John: (smiling over at Dave) You know, every
time I looked over at you, you’ve got
the beard, the little medallion - you looked
so happy, it was fantastic!
George: Dave, can I be very honest? You should
wear high-waisted pants all the time –
your ass looks awesome!
Dan: He kinda works it!
John: (nodding his head) Yeah, you finally
have a little ass!
Dave: I feel like some girl on roller-skates
should be like, delivering me a check right
now…
Q: Tragedy is looking for you, by the way
(Tragedy is a local BeeGees cover band.) Alright,
listen, the fucking most obnoxious question
of all – I know you’re going to
hate me for this, but why pirates, come on?
You gotta answer this question, people are
gonna ask, they wanna know!
George and John: Why not pirates, you know?
Q: Oh come on, that’s a fucking copout
answer! Explain this shit!
George and John: We like “Jaws.”
Dan: Hey, dudes, we need to be swimming with
bow-legged women!
John: All set, Sir, all set!
George: It started off as a joke… me
and Shawn watched “Jaws” on Bravo
TV late at night, and we were like “Man,
those guys on that boat, before they died,
they looked like they were having so much
fun! If we did songs like that, we could have
fun!”
Q: There was weed involved, right?
John: No!
George: No, drug free since ‘93!
Dan: Drugs are a bad thing, you shouldn’t
do drugs – kids shouldn’t do drugs.
George, Dave and Dan: No hope in dope!
Q: Yeah, kids, stay in school! Are we gonna
start chanting soon? I actually think we should…
George: Vitamin C!
Dan: I can say that, as long as they’re
not actually piss-testing me right here and
finding out what the fuck I’m actually
on…
George: Actually, you know what? The sad thing
is that I kinda answered the question truthfully.
Dave: About what?
George: About the “Jaws thing!”
Q: That’s really how that happened?
Dave and Dan: Really?
Dave: I wasn’t in the band then, so
I don’t know. I was scared of the bishops.
I was in an equally obnoxious band in that
place, though, so…
George: No, that’s actually the right
answer – and then we watched “Kids
in the Hall” and laughed.
Q: That show was so awesome! Well we’re
talking music to drink to, you guys, so I
wanna hear everybody’s favorite drunk
stories.
George: Drunk stories?
Dave: Uh, I got one!
Q:
Everybody’s got one!
George: One time, Dave got so drunk, he…
Q: No, he’s got one!
Dan: I have a few, but personally, I’m
not the one that…
Dave: I was in a band back on the West Coast,
and we played our first show in an apartment
complex. I ended up breaking a door and puking
on a raccoon.
Q: How do you puke on a raccoon?
Dan: He’s from Oregon.
Q: Oh, that does explain it…
Dave: I swear to God! I ended up drinking
and I was out back. My buddy was like “Here,
drink this” and he brought me like a
measuring cup of water. This raccoon had managed
to scurry up the steps and was like “What
the fuck’s going on?” I drank
a sip of water and was like “Oh fuck”
and I puked all over this raccoon. That’s
a true story!
Q: The raccoon was pissed, by the way.
Dan: Really, I don’t know if I can beat
that!
Q: Try…
George: I can beat it!
Dave and Dan: (indicating John) You can beat
that for sure!
John: I can beat it, but I don’t think
we have enough tape…
George: I made out with a marine.
Dave: I remember that!
Q: Awesome, was he hot?
George: He was handsome.
Dave: That was actually the singer for my
band at the time…
Q: Interesting, there’s like, incest
going on!
George: I haven’t been that drunk since
then.
Dave: You’ve been that drunk since that
night!
George: Okay I’ve been that drunk since
the night that I did it…
Q: You were supporting your country! Alright,
come on, John, you go…
John: You really don’t have enough memory
on that camera!
Q: (laughing) Oh give one, come on! (band
deliberates on which one John should tell)
John: Alright, one time (and we’re going
to tell the “Reader’s Digest”
version so no names will be used…)
Q: To protect the innocent, alright that’s
fair…
John: (directly into the camera for a closeup)
Karaoke, 13 double-strength Jack-and-cokes,
blacking out, naked, smeared in peanut butter,
arrested.
Q: In the peanut butter, no less!
George: Running down the street…
John: Running down the street, shrieking,
in the rain.
Dave: Dude! (shakes John’s hand)
George: Will Ferrell style! It was awesome.
Q: At least get the peanut butter off! Do
I wanna know why peanut butter?
John: I don’t know why peanut butter…
George: It would be silly if it were jelly;
how about a smear of jelly running down the
street? And peanut butter’s good for
the skin…
Q:
Alright, what have you guys changed up for
the EP; any surprises?
George: What do you mean, “changed up?”
Q: You guys have got some new shit on there…?
George: We’ve got a new guy (indicating
Dave) with a sweet ass.
John: (smacking Dave’s ass) That’s
true.
Dave: Thank you!
Q: That helps! So is this gonna be the cover,
his wicked ass?
John: You ever see the cover of the Rolling
Stones’ “Sticky Fingers?”
Just imagine the back…
Q: Aw sweet; I’m looking forward to
that!
George: We might call it “Ass In White
Jeans.”
Q: You totally should.
Dave: What’s that band where it’s
just the shot with that, with that long thing
coming
out (indicates with his hands around his,
er, region.)
John: Oh, the Black Crowes “Amorica”
– the mug shot.
Dan: Oh yeah!
Dave: Yeah, it’ll just me like me in
my bikini, with pubic hair just falling all
out.
Q: Perfect.
George: Yeah Dude, and he’s a ginger!
Dave: It’ll be all like red hair (indicating
er, wildly in both directions.) We could have
like, flames shooting out the sides, Dude!
Q: And maybe some raccoons, you know, just
to keep it on topic, right?
Dave: But in terms of like new tunes, “The
Fog” is gonna be on there. “The
Fog II” and then…
George: Like new songs that we’re doing,
or new techniques?
Dave: The new stuff that we’re doing
- there’ll finally be two guitars on
there!
John: George has mastered some new techniques.
George: Studio techniques.
Dave: “The Blob” will be on there,
and then…
George: And then the sexy new techniques.
John: Very sexy new techniques!
Dan: It’s not so much sexy as roofie’s
and rape, but whatever.
George: But it’s sexy!
Q: That might be illegal, I’m not sure…
John: Did I tell you my roommate got roofie’d
twice in the same bar in a matter of a couple
of weeks?
George: He did not!
Dave: That’s why I carved that pumpkin
– with the roofie!
Dan: Did he have a good time – did someone
tell him he had a good time?
John: No, he didn’t have a good time!
I didn’t have a good time either –
I was staying
up making sure he didn’t die in his
sleep.
Dave: He got roofie’d and he didn’t
get raped?
George: Twice!
John: Twice.
Dan:
He got roofie’d twice and you didn’t
take advantage of him? I mean, you had him
at the moment there, you know…
Dave: This is all going to be on the album
too.
John: No, but if you jack off when you’re
roofie’d and you don’t even know
what’s going on…
Dan: ..is that date raping yourself?
John: Is it date raping yourself, or do you
feel like you’re with a stranger?
George: How isn’t it date raping yourself?
Dan: You’re right, is it more like date
rape or being with a stranger?
George and John: If you do it with your left
hand, it’s more like a stranger.
Dave: But if your left hand is numb…
John: But you’re numb, your whole body
is numb!
Dan: You have to be careful and not do what
the guy from INXS did.
Q: Ooh, that would be bad, yeah.
John: No kumquats or extension cords, right?
Dan: I love how he didn’t commit suicide,
no, he was jerking off!
Q: He jerked off to death!
Dave: There’ll be the new song on the
album, now that we’ve…
Q: “Jerked Off to Death” is the
new song on the album!
Dan: It’s probably a Gwar song, somebody
already did it! (slipping into a pirate voice
to compose on the spot nonetheless) “Jerked
off to death, the new Russian decoy, then
you shall die and you won’t leave a
void.”
Dave: You’re roofie’d, you dope!
George: Dude, who the hell named the kumquat
a kumquat? Dude, seriously?
Q: Has anyone ever even eaten a fucking kumquat?
George: Do you think the guy who named the
peanut like looked at the dude who named the
kumquat and was like “Fuck, I could’ve
made this so much dirtier? I could’ve
just called it like, an assberry! Like, shit,
Hambone smeared himself in assberries and
ran down the street, and got arrested!”
Band: We need a new question!
Q: I’m going to ask a serious one now
– we’re not gonna talk about kumquats
this time! You guys put on a really fun show;
whose live stage show, for you guys growing
up, was really like mind-blowing?
John: Oooh…Willie Nelson!
Q: Willie Nelson?
Dave: Actually, Willie Nelson onstage is fucking
amazing! That is one of the greatest shows
I’ve ever seen.
George: Oh that lady, with the singer…
Q: The lady with the singer…?
John: Madonna?
George: Madonna!
Q: She has an interesting stage show for sure,
but there’s no singing involved.
Dave: (explaining to his band members) A live
show that influenced the way that you play
live. Mine would be like all forms of punk
and Eddie Van Halen just flying around and
shit. I was always drawn to the bands that
did like weird shit. I just remember trying
to break as much stuff as possible and I didn‘t
care.
Q: Nobody had a moment when you just looked
at something and said “That’s
it, that’s what I’m doing?”
Dan: No, everything I looked at I said “Oh,
I can do that!”
George: I looked at Hambone every night.
John: And I you!
Dave: Yeah, we watched Hambone tonight and
it’s like “Dude…”
Q: You’re basically inspiring each other
– fuck everybody else!
George: He’s making love to that bass…
John: I make love to my bass – sometimes
I finger up the back, you know? You see what
I’m throwing around, you know?
Dan: He broke a G string fingering in mine!
Dave: He held his bass covered in KY jelly…
Q: Did the bass feel violated though, that’s
the question…?
John: This is the level that it’s going?!
That was good – the duality to that
was…
George: E Major Friggin' F Sharp!
John: Well, you know what - I realized a long
time ago that it doesn’t really matter
how many notes you hit – just have fun.
You know, anyone who says that they’re
playing for you is fucking lying.
George: I’m playing for tattoos!
Dan: Probably the moment that influenced me
the most was seeing Mark Sandman, because
he died onstage.
John: Yeah, Dude!
Q: That is pretty hard to top…
George: The wrestler?
Dave: No, that’s Owen Hart!
Dan: Morphine, the band Morphine.
John: Did he really die onstage?
Dan: Yeah, he had a heart attack while playing.
John: Good for him!
George: …so did Tiny Tim; he died onstage…
Dan: Unless you’re GG, then you just
do it while you’re alive, but you know,
that’s GG.
John: He really should have just killed himself
onstage like he said. I mean, had he known
he was gonna go out like he did…
Dan: He was in the bathtub with a needle,
come on, that’s not rock-n-roll! Well
it kind of is…
John and Dave: That’s pretty rock-n-roll!
Q: Unless the bathtub is onstage with you…
John: It’s textbook, you know?
Q: Well you guys have a pretty loyal following
(well not tonight, but…)
John: Yeah, twenty-three people is pretty
good!
Q: They were there, they were just at the
bar!
George: Well, we like to drink.
John: We can’t really fault them for
doing what we like to do.
Dave: What’s the question?
Q: Well the question is that this is the kind
of camaraderie that’s missing for a
lot of startup bands –what would you
tell them to do differently?
John: Play “not give a shit” music.
Dave: Not give a shit and start drinking.
John: Hugs.
Dan: Shots?
George: And therapy!
Dave: Oh, barbecues!
Q: Directly onstage?
Dave: On the stage or are we talking offstage…?
John: No, like I said we don’t care
what happens onstage.
George: I don’t know; good question!
Dan: Take a lot of acid and see what happens?
I don’t know!
Dave: Just fucking play!
John: Play video games together.
Dave: That’s what we do – play
video games and read comics and that’s
it.
Q: Is that like what everybody does now –
I keep hearing that everywhere I go!
Dave: But this is true! It might be said for
other bands because that’s what’s
“in” but with us it’s like…that
existed prior to…
George: What, video games? They’ve been
around since like the 80’s.
Dave: Video games and comic books. I’ll
go to his house and Hambone’s still
in his pj’s, playing video games. He’s
like “Dude, pick up the controller and
let’s play.” It doesn’t
get more real than that.
Merch Guy: (emerging) We’re washing
down the merch stands; Shawn and I need a
cigarette!
George and Dan: We’re doing a funny
interview, Man.
John: Anything Shawn can say, we can say for
him, he doesn’t care.
George: Get Shawn!
Dan: Yeah, get Shawn in here!
Q: Yeah we gotta talk to the frontman! (Dave
goes to fetch Shawn) Alright, this is for
you, John, you recently did a Reggie tour
– James is a fucking crazy motherfucker!
What do you take away from a tour like that
for yourselves?
John: I missed my friends…
Q: Aww! Okay so you’re “punk pirates”
- who truly embodies that to you guys? I wanna
know who truly is a punk fucking pirate? Like
name one.
George: Like, a person?
Dan: GG?
John: GG Allin!
George: I like Descendents.
Dan: Because Milo’s really punk…
John: With his science degree!
Dan: And his multiple Ph.D’s in biochemistry…
George: (spotting Shawn) Shawn! Punk pirates?
Dan: I really shouldn’t say anything,
because I have a few degrees of my own…
George: Ask Shawn – watch; Shawn won’t
know the answer! Ask Shawn a question!
Q: I’ve got one!
John: (informing Shawn) Oh by the way, we’re
filming it.
Shawn: Perfect! Well I need to sign a release
form or you can’t use it.
George: Oh we did that in the beginning of
the film.
John: Did we do NDA’s and everything?
You forged my signature?
Shawn: I’m joking, I’m joking!
You have my permission.
Q: Alright, you did a couple of illustrations,
right, Shawn? Like, where’d that come
from, “The Little Mermaid?” Where
does that fucking shit come from: “I’m
gonna draw a fucking squid on a piece of paper?”
Shawn: Lots and lots and lots of acid.
Q: Yeah, I thought so.
Dan: Aw, you were a good kid!
Shawn: Nah, I’ve never done that, I’m
a good boy. They tell me to draw shit and
I draw it up. It’s like “Draw
this, you gotta draw a squid.” I’m
like “I’ll draw a squid…”
Q: We were doing best drunk stories before,
would that be one for you?
Shawn: Oh, best drunk story - of my life or…?
George: I made out with a marine and Hambone
ran down the street covered in peanut butter…
Shawn: What - I can’t even top that!
Alright, I got really drunk one night - and
I maintain I did not piss my pants, I peed
on my pants; there’s a difference! Alright,
you open them up, right, and the flap is there
(and there’s a reason why I’m
called “Skipper Short Dong” Dillon,
just so you know…) (at this point the
band is falling about the lot laughing.) So
I’m pissing and the flap of the jean
was kinda like popping out - I’m drunk
and I’m like “Why does it feel
warm?” You know, I was in front of the
toilet bowl and…I decided it was time
to go to sleep, didn’t even dry off
– passed out on my parents’ couch.
Q: Perfect!
George: If you gave it a shake then it’s
not being confused.
Dan: But if you gave it more than three shakes
it should come out!
Q: And you could be violating yourself.
Shawn: Well that doesn’t compare to
peanut butter and Megan’s Law and all
that.
Band: Next question?
Q: Give a shout-out to your crew, Dudes! What’ve
you got to say to your people?
George: These are my friends here.
John: Yeah, we’re all here.
Dan: I wake up and call Hambone and no one
else.
Shawn: We have no one else in this world.
Q: Alright; a question about Brine & Bastards
that isn’t on the fucking piece of paper…
Dan: Watch your language!
Camera Person: Yeah this is going on YouTube,
Dude!
Q: Damn, I hate you two!
George: Whoa…
Q: What do you wish you were doing right now
(if you weren’t doing this?)
Everybody’s got one…
John: I’m kinda hungry…
Shawn: A pizza burger would be excellent!
Q: Not immediately, in your life…
Dan: If I wasn’t doing this, I’d
like to be a Merry Fairy with a very bleeding
hole – I’ve got cement to finish
it afterwards!
Q: Nobody wanted to be an astronaut or anything?
Dan: I went to space camp - no, I really did!
Shawn: I would be receiving hormone treatments
and living as the woman I was always meant
to be.
Q: That’s beautiful.
George: Oh, he makes a beautiful woman!
John: He does.
George: He takes good pictures.
Q: Oh yeah, has anyone dressed in drag?
George: Who hasn’t?
Dan: Yeah!
John: And that was the second best drunk story
I ever had.
Dan: That was the last best Halloween costume
I had too.
John: Coney Islander: “The Rocky Horror
Picture Show,” ending credits - 40 guys
in hockey masks...
Shawn: It puts a whole new spin on masturbating
when you’re dressed in drag, you know?
John: It really does!
Q: A hockey fight at Rocky Horror?
Dan: You stand in the mirror and just get
confused…
Shawn: It’s that whole “Silence
of the Lambs” thing: “Who’d
fuck me? I’d fuck me!”
John: I’d fuck me!
Shawn: And then you proceed…
Dan: Doesn’t he dance like this? (whole
band demonstrates Buffalo Bill’s sway
with their arms out.) Weren’t The Supremes
playing in the background?
George: And then he says, with the puppy,
“Put the lotion in the basket!”
Dan: “Put the fucking lotion in the
basket!”
George: “It rubs the lotion on its skin
– it does this whenever it’s told.”
Dan: Multiple Miggs is still the best character
in the movie. Just from the fact when she
walks by and he goes “I can smell you
from here!”
George: Oh yeah!
Dan: One of the best lines in that movie.
Shawn: (to me) You have a very distinct accent.
Q: You think so? It’s because I’m
a lifelong New Yorker.
Camera Person: Now they’re interviewing
her…
Q: You’re interviewing me now?
Shawn: What part of New York?
Q: Queens.
Shawn: Queens, alright – I was gonna
say Staten Island.
Q: It’s the same fucking thing. Actually
Brooklyn is more similar.
Shawn: Queens…Spiderman’s from
Queens!
George: Spiderman is from Queens!
Dan: That’s true!
John: Why do you like Brine & Bastards?
Q: Why? Because you’re fun, because
I like punk rock. You fucking have fun up
there, and it’s energetic.
George: I like to play guitar.
Dan and John: He does like to play guitar!
Q: And how do you top people fucking yelling
out “Ay Matey” while you’re
jamming out? Oh, and where’s the fucking
parrot?
John: It’s hard to play with a fucking
parrot.
Q: Fucking parrot don’t listen or what?
Shawn: Yeah, you need a whole strap…
George: Danny used to have a parrot.
Dan: I did used to have a parrot named Analingus.
Q: Oh! I’m sure that was fun, learning
its name…
Dan: Well, it wasn’t a real parrot,
it was stapled to my fucking shirt!
Q: Well, Dude, I don’t know, I thought
you had a real parrot!
Dan: It would’ve been funny if it were
a real parrot stapled to my shirt…I
want you to try and play away the agony…
Q: You’d have the Humane Society up
your ass!
Dan: They’d probably get a bird up their
ass too, so whatever…
Q: Now that’s a good show, right there,
I wanna see the bird go up someone’s
ass.
Shawn: You can contract Hepatitis from analingus.
Dan: You can get Legionnaire’s Disease
from analingus too.
Shawn: The virus is present in fecal matter
and…
George: In birds?
Shawn: Not in birds, in analingus!
Dan: That’s why I said Legionnaire’s
Disease!
George: Oh…
Dan: He meant general ass eating (John doubles
over in laughter) you can get Hepatitis C.
Q: Wait, how’d you guys figure this
out, that’s what I wanna know…?
Unfortunately this burning question never
gets answered, as a series of drunken interruptions
ensue, but I got what I needed. Watch out
for parrots, horror movies are inspirational,
and it may be possible to date rape yourself.
Do not miss Brine & Bastards next show,
and be sure and pick up that EP next month!
Thanks again to the dudes for their time –
we had a blast.
Read up, listen up, catch a vid:
http://www.myspace.com/brineandbastards
http://www.reverbnation.com/brineandbastards
http://brineandbastards.blogspot.com/
http://www.brineandbastards.com/
http://www.last.fm/music/Brine+and+Bastards?setlang=en
http://www.youtube.com/user/BrineandBastards
INTERVIEW:
BRINE & BASTARDS
